The Bowl

Anyone who lacks faith, or a reason to keep living surely didn't see She and Him perform last Sunday at the Hollywood Bowl. They weren't the headliners (The Swell Season), but, like all warm up acts at the Bowl, they were better. It isn't that Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova were bad, it's just that I've seen them three times in the last two years and, I've been there. I bought these tickets because she and him were playing, along with The Bird and the Bee, who I thought included Eleni Mandell in addition to Inara George, but no such luck. The entire show was great, but it's hard to beat the sublime guitar playing and lyrical genius of M. Ward, especially when he has eye-candy, part-time actress Zoey Deschanel with him. The thing is, I like her look and her voice, but I would love to hear more of M. Ward's. His solo stuff is the best, and that's saying something. I saw him in Seattle with Monsters of Folk and I thought the same thing--let M. Ward have the stage by himself. My wife assures me that he's not bad to look at either, though I was bit to drunk to see very much anyway, which brings me to my real point: urinals.
I pee a lot. This is a natural bi-product of consuming 100 or so ounces of beer in a couple of hours, so I can't really blame the gods. My college roommate, who I went to the Monsters of Folk show with, is the only guy I know who pees more than I do, so we were a good pair. Now, I don't want to sound whiny, 'cause at least I don't have to sit to pee and am not forced to wait in ridiculously long lines at the bathroom, even at a big venue like the Hollywood Bowl. Still, I worry that with increased immigration and the natural changing of the generational guard, many of my fellow men are not aware of good etiquette when it comes to using stand up urinals or troughs. Enlightened self-interest compels me to share a small list of suggestions for your consideration. If you are a man (take a second now and check), or if you know one, please consider this list:

1. Never take the urinal next to a currently occupied place if possible. This is simple, don't stand next to me in an empty bathroom. It leads to stage fright, or, worse, the dreaded crossing of the streams. Besides, I frequently wear sandals to these things, and, while I have learned to appreciate my own splash back, I don't want to feel yours. The same rule applies to troughs, where you should keep a minimum of three feet the fuck away from me.

2. Look at the wall, or at your own junk. Never, under any circumstances, should you look down to your left or right. I have enough shit to worry about without wondering why you're looking at my dick. While we're on the subject, if you must talk to me while you're peeing, it had better be important. "Hey dude, the cops are checking people for drugs on the way out"--totally appropriate. "How's it hangin'?"--not so much. In any event, if you must talk to me have the decency to not make eye contact.

3. Don't judge me when I walk passed the sink. I didn't pee on my hands and my unit is clean. I have no need for soap and water. Similarly, don't announce loudly to your child that everyone should wash his hands, I know you're talking to me. I pee so much at a concert that my hands would be raw if I washed them every time.

4. Don't shit in a toilet near the urinals. Seriously, you have to shit at a concert. Lay off the dairy or jalapenos or whatever it is that makes it impossible for you to hold your shit for two hours. Here I'm having this magic moment with M. Ward and Zoey. I'm feeling great. But you have to interrupt the flow by taking a huge, grunting, paint melting shit while I take a pee. If you must shit, go all the way to the last available stall, do your business quickly, and, in this case, do wash your hands--an apology to everyone using the head on your way out is acceptable.